"Brilliant" House/Wilson kid!fic...without the kid

Title: Brilliant
Pairing: House/Wilson (established)
Rating: G
Warning: kid!fic, without the kid. All dialogue, all the time.

Summary: A life told in snippets from a series of parent-teacher conferences.

A/N: Playing with the random word generator again. Can you have kid!fic, without a kid? Of course you can. Don't believe me?




First Grade-Zeros

"I'd like to start by telling you just how incredibly brilliant your son is, although I'm sure you already know that."

"We don't need you to tell us he's intelligent. Just tell us what he's done."

"House, don't start. Thank you, ma'am, that's wonderful to hear. What did he do exactly?"

"Here is his progress report, Dr. Wilson. As you can see, he's having some problems with..."

"He has a zero in conduct?!?"

"It's not that he's disruptive, it's just that he's..."

"Rude?"

"I would have said abrasive."

"He's five, he's rude. I'm abrasive."

"You're an ass. I knew this would somehow be your fault."

"And I knew you'd try to shove the blame on me."

"Doctors? Sirs? Perhaps we could turn our attention back to the..."

"Oh shut up. Just because you can't handle a kid that doesn't color in the lines, that doesn't mean his behavior merits a failing grade."

"He won't take naps at the correct time, then sleeps during story time. He ignores rules unless they suit him. He leaves the room and goes missing, forcing me to stop class to go find him. He won't engage in play with the other children, and he refuses to color."

"Good man. He's even smarter than I thought. I told you public school was a bad idea."

"Your opinion is starting to mean less and less. Do you want to have to sit in the time-out seat?"

"Jimmy, I'm shocked. That's a bit kinky for our very first conference."

"I have a feeling it won't be our last..."

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Second Grade-Strangest

"The strangest thing is, he denies being involved, and the other children back him up completely."

"A second-grade smuggling ring, that he's NOT involved in? Somehow, I find that very hard to believe."

"Although, after some investigation..."

"Profiling."

"House..."

"I'm just saying."

"As I was saying, apparently he's getting a cut of the profits."

"Oh for heaven's sake."

"For what, if I'm allowed to ask."

"Protection."

"Our boy is a gangster. I'm so proud."

"You would be. Why am I not surprised at this turn of events?"

"Don't look at me."

"Well, for what it's worth, it does show initiative. And intelligence. He really is a very bright boy."

"We know, we know. Any chance you could keep this off the record?"

"Not a chance."

.....................................................

Third Grade-Rear

"He's a joy to teach, and so inquisitive! He's so smart, and curious. I don't know how you manage."

"We do our best. Now, what exactly did he do?"

"It's a mystery, really, and I was hoping you two could shed some light on the matter."

"Get to the point sometime today, and we might."

"Oh, my, well. I see where he gets it from. I've noticed that he's rather direct..."

"Point. Soon. You're making the clinic look appealing."

"Um, alright, see, he's been having some trouble with a bully."

"Did he get in a fight?"

"Oh, no! Nothing like that. Apparently they had a bit of an altercation during PE, and..."

"This is going to be good..."

"Shh. Sorry, ma'am. Go ahead."

"He pulled down his gym shorts, and showed his...rear...to the other boy."

"That can't be all."

"No, no, he also had a very vulgar phrase written on his...rear...in Sharpie marker."

"He wrote on his...rear...?"

"Well, no, the, uh, placement suggests that someone helped him. An older child, perhaps, or an adult."

"Dammit, House! Stop laughing, it's not funny!"

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Fourth Grade-Sketches

"He certainly is a talented child. You should be very proud."

"We are, thank you. But you didn't call us here just to tell us that."

"No, actually, I didn't. You see, here are some sketches that your son did in art class."

"They're pretty damned good. Is that a problem?"

"Ah, no, it's not a question of his talent or style, but rather, his choice of subject matter."

"Oh my god."

"Now, Jimmy, it can't be that bad."

"Have a look, and you tell me."

"Damn. He's got your imagination."

"Shut up. This is your fault."

"It's always my fault. Don't worry, ma'am, the boy just has an overactive imagination. I promise you, no way is Jimmy that flexible."

"Oh. Well. That's good to hear."

"A pervert. Our son is a pervert."

"He has good taste, though. Like his father."

"You? Are not helping. Not at all."

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Fifth Grade-Fluctuation

"Despite his overall aptitude in every subject, we're seeing some fluctuations in his grades that have us concerned."

"Do you have a twin? Or is this the royal 'we'?"

"House..."

"Sorry, but we feel that referring to ourselves in the third person is putting it on a bit thick."

"Dr. House, I was referring to myself and Mrs. Davis, your son's counselor."

"Oh. Her."

"Don't say it like that. Back to the fluctuating, is there something causing it, anything in particular we should be looking for?"

"At this age, we see a lot of children having this same problem. We think he may be starting to notice the girls."

"Or boys. Probably more likely, given the circumstances, wouldn't you think?"

"Oh. I suppose, I mean, I'm sure that's..."

"Relax. I'm sure it's not catching."

"No, no, that's not what I, I didn't mean to imply..."

"House, stop torturing her."

"Aww, but Mom!"

"Don't call me that. It's disturbing."

"You like it."

"Not here. Cut it out."

"I should have stuck with girls. They're much more fun."

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Sixth Grade-Dedicate

"He's an incredibly bright young man, although I've noticed that when he finds a subject he likes, he focuses himself totally on that subject. He dedicates himself utterly to learning about that one topic, to the exclusion of everything else."

"Doesn't sound like anyone we know."

"Do you see what he did there? Sarcasm, it's not just for cripples anymore!"

"I think it would be in his best interests to engage in more extracurricular activities, in order to expose him to a broader spectrum of ideas and input."

"He's already involved in baseball, karate, and soccer. He has language classes on the weekend. How much more can he do?"

"I don't see any of those noted in his record, Dr. Wilson."

"He's not involved in school activities. He chooses the things he wants to be involved in, and the classes that he takes outside of school."

"That's all very well, I'm sure, but it will look better on his college admissions if he has some school-related activities on his record."

"Good god, he's not here enough?"

"College? Did you just say college?"

"It's never too early to start planning."

"It's too early. Much too early. He's just a baby. He's our baby, he can't be thinking about college."

"Calm down. See what you've done? You said the word that you said, and now look. He'll be crying into his pillow for a week."

"I'm...sorry?"

"You should be. I'm sending him to your house until this blows over. You can sleep in the puddle of oncologist tears."

"He's just a baby! He's not ready!"

"Alright, you're okay. C'mon, let's get you home. You can watch the ultrasound video, you like that."

.....................................................

Seventh Grade-Aims

"As I'm sure you've been told, your son is extremely..."

"Yes, we know, can we hurry this up? People dying, that sort of thing."

"Oh my, I'm sorry, I just thought..."

"Don't mind him. He's cranky, he thinks his patient is trying to die out of spite."

"He would. Just to prove me wrong. And they'd let him, too. Never thought I'd actually miss..."

"Don't start with the trip down memory lane, Grandpa. Thought you wanted out of here."

"True. Carry on."

"Ah, okay, thank you. The problem is, despite his obvious genius, he has a tendency to aim his goals very low. He just doesn't seem to have any drive, any fire, unless it pertains directly to something he's interested in."

"Doesn't remind me of anyone that I know."

"I don't care for your tone, Mister."

"I don't care for your face."

"See there? See how you abuse me? No wonder our son has no ambition."

"It's my fault he's lazy? My fault?"

"Well, I wasn't going to say anything..."

.....................................................

Eighth Grade-Presently


"He's a wonder! Always with his nose in a book, and I sometimes find myself asking him questions!"

"Great, just great. You're expanding your knowledge, and our son is learning jack-shit. Lovely."

"House. Enough."

"No, it's not. It's not enough. He's bored, I know he is. You know very well that boredom is the enemy."

"We knew when he started school that learning wouldn't be a problem. You teach him enough at home. It's his social skills that I'm concerned about."

"He has no social skills, and you know it."

"Oh, no! That's not so. His attitude toward authority figures can be distant, even harsh, and he has trouble relating to students his own age..."

"How is that convincing me that he has social skills?"

"Well, he's actually quite good with the younger students. Presently, he's involved in our Buddy program, and he's done so well caring for his sixth grade buddy, we've actually assigned him two seventh grade buddies. He looks after them like siblings, you'd be so proud!"

"You gave him minions? Is that what you're telling me?"

"No wonder he never has homework!"

.....................................................

Ninth Grade-Sought

"We are, of course, very pleased with your child's scholastic performance. However..."

"Here we go."

"However, I'd like to ask a potentially sensitive question."

"I'm usually the Daddy, but only because Jimmy is such a good little Mommy."

"Sorry. Do you mind taking this seriously, or should I just stop asking you along?"

"I'm being serious. This is me, being serious."

"Be serious without talking, please. Sorry, sir, again. Please ask your question."

"I was wondering if you have sought any sort of family counseling."

"I don't follow."

"I do, but you don't want me talking."

"I only meant that it might be a good thing to look into, given your...unique...living situation."

"I'm sure it's not as unique as you think. Surely we aren't the only same-sex parents in this school."

"Damn right we aren't. I've got four families' numbers on speed dial, just in case you give me a reason to sue. Our lawyer is just slavering for some class-action action."

"I don't mean to offend you. I only ask because your son's attitude and behavior are so at odds with the overall excellence of his grades."

"Not that it's any of your business, but he's been in counseling since he was three, all of us have. He's an asshole. Believe me, he comes by it honestly. It has nothing to do with our 'uniqueness'."

"I can't imagine that he needs counseling any more than your other students. His parents live together, happily, and have done since before he was born. I bet you can't name more than a handful of kids that can say the same thing."

"That's telling him, Jimmy."

.....................................................

Tenth Grade-Explodes

"He's simply delightful to teach, of course, soaks up everything I say like a little sponge! Unfortunately, he has an extremely volatile temper."

"Great, now I'll be sleeping on the couch."

"These are always your fault. Accept the blame and move on."

"I see where he gets it, you two are so funny!"

"And not just the way we look, either."

"Shh. About his temper?"

"He's usually our little class clown, when he's not buried in a book, but he simply explodes when someone mentions..."

"Wait for it."

"...his unique living situation."

"I told you! You owe me a steak dinner."

"Damn. They must have put it in his file."

"Probably. That, or it's the government-issue term for 'having two daddies'."

"I hope I haven't offended you, sirs, I certainly didn't mean to."

"Never mind, we're used to having complete strangers offer opinions about our lives."

"Look, I know I should probably just let this go, but what exactly is he supposed to do, ma'am? He minds his own business, does his work, gets a laugh from time to time, is generally a good kid. Then some kids give him a hard time about his gay parents, he blows up, and you call us in, as if he's the only one who's done wrong? How about those other kids?"

"How about some sensitivity training for the little bastards?"

"I can't believe those words crossed your lips. I had a good rant going, but the shock has left me completely unable to finish."

"I'm insensitive to everyone, not just kids whose parents are gay, crippled, and Jewish."

"I don't think they mentioned those other two, Dr. House."

"Well, they should have. My god, what has bullying come to these days?"

.....................................................

Eleventh Grade-Universities

"He's been into the counselor a dozen times, but he refuses to apply for any scholarships. He's so incredibly gifted, I can't stand to see him waste his talents!"

"He doesn't have to, actually."

"I just don't understand that attitude, Mr. Wilson. He has no drive, no ambition, and you're allowing that behavior to continue? Frankly, I'm surprised."

"Frankly, you're a moron. And it's Dr. Wilson. Who, by the way, has saved enough money since the brat was born to send him to college, med school, law school, and the moon, if he so chooses. The kid's already been accepted to more universities than you can count."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize. He didn't say, and he can be so sulky when asked questions."

"He doesn't like people knowing his business, he never has. I can't say that I blame him."

"No, that's not it. I told him years ago that his college was taken care of, and for him not to worry about it. Apparently, he listened."

"He listened to something you said?"

"That's why I'm sitting here, waiting quietly for the world to end."

"Nah, that's just the first sign, don't worry about it until I start listening to you, too. Besides, you're so full of shit. You're verklempt, James Wilson."

"Shut up. Just shut up. Let me bask."

.....................................................

Twelfth Grade-independently

"His grades have tanked, as I'm sure you've noticed, despite his exceptional intelligence."

"Tanked?"

"House, you promised..."

"I don't mean to sound flip, but he's all over the map this year, not just in with his grades, but in his conduct and extracurricular activities. Sometimes he shows up, sometimes he doesn't. I don't have any proof, but I think he may be cheating. Not because he has to, mind you, but for the thrill of it."

"It's his last year, he's supposed to be irresponsible."

"I don't think he is being irresponsible. I honestly think he's ditching school so that he can go study independently. He feels that we're getting in the way of his actual learning."

"Which you probably are."

"Which we probably are. I agree, actually. The straight-A kids? He leaves them in the dirt. They can give me back the information by rote, but he can make these incredible leaps of logic that leave me completely behind. And all of his other teachers, as well."

"What do you suggest? He's too big for me to spank."

"I could spank him, I've got the cane and everything. I don't see myself catching him, though."

"We could chain him to a desk."

"Already tried that. Or I would have, except for those pesky lawsuits."

"They put that in his file, didn't they?"

"Seriously, I think the only thing we can do is let him continue."

"Without graduating? That'll look great in Who's Who."

"He'll graduate. He'll make valedictorian, probably. You just have to convince him that the boredom is worth waiting out."

"So he can go to college and be bored at cost?"

"Like you were, presumably?"

"We'll talk to him, that's all we can do."

"Please try. He really is a brilliant kid."

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